Happy Friday Reader

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For years, I thought my job in every conversation was to prove I deserved to be there.

Someone would come to me with a challenge and I’d jump straight into advice mode. Not because they needed it. Because I needed to show I was competent. I had this low-level anxiety that the other person must be sceptical of me, and my job was to convince them otherwise.

So I’d offer solutions. Suggestions. Ideas. Anything to demonstrate I knew what I was talking about.

It took me a long time to realise this was about me, not them.

Most leaders default to giving advice not because it’s the right thing to do, but because we think good leaders should have answers. We feel the pressure to prove ourselves.

But leadership isn’t like a video game. You don’t become a leader because you mastered everything at the previous level. You’re a leader because the role requires a different set of skills entirely. And one of those skills is knowing when to ask instead of tell.

The problem is, most of us understand coaching conceptually. We’ve read the books. We know we should ask more questions. But we’ve never actually practised it. So when the pressure hits, we revert to what feels safe: advice.

If you want to try something different this week, here’s one question that’s changed how I have conversations:

“What are you looking for in this conversation?”

That’s it. Ask it early. Then follow their lead.

Sometimes they want your advice. Great - give it. Don’t be annoying and withhold help when someone’s genuinely asking for it.

But sometimes they need help thinking something through. Or they want to show you they’re capable and just need a sounding board. You won’t know unless you ask.

This is learnable. I learned it. It just takes practice.

If you’re in or around Shanghai in February and want two days of proper hands-on practice, I’m running a small workshop on exactly this. Twelve spots, 80% practice, real feedback. But whether you can make it or not, try that question this week and notice what changes.

What’s one conversation where you catch yourself jumping to advice mode? Hit reply - I’d love to hear.

Shane

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P.S. Seriously, if Shanghai is doable for you in late February, take a look. Early bird pricing until end of December.